GOD LOVED

I am Maxwell Ngove, born on June 26th, 1973.  I did not grow up with my parents, I was taken care of by Granny.  It was always a topical matter to me why others had their families and parents.  What could have gone wrong with me?  At times there was self-blame.  It’s not easy growing up as an orphan in a village where everyone calls you names just because of that.  A life of an orphan is challenging because more often than not, an orphan does not have the same rights as those of the actual family members.

My life was full of stories that had no conclusion, as no one ever told me where to find my father.  My mother had been left when she got pregnant.  So, at school others would always ask me about the whereabouts of my father, which was so embarrassing to me!  In some ways, anger and frustrations grew inside me.  This gave rise to some questions that I asked myself:  Why am I in this situation?  What wrong did I do?  Why me?  My grandmother was my greatest hero.  She raised me, walking me through life from babyhood.  I used to ask myself why she even cared for me this much when I was actually not her biological child.  She also defended me when I was facing many threats from other family members.  She provided me with shelter and food.  She knew when I was crying, and she comforted me.  She taught me to work at home to feed myself, so I was the garden boy, the house maid and even the farmer.  I literally did everything including getting cattle for cultivation.  But inside were still too many questions about life.

At a school going age, I was introduced to church by Granny and I would go with her.  I did not understand much about what was happening, but I knew I just needed to be a good boy for my family and the others around me. My grandmother was very happy with me and my behaviour, I did not give her headaches and she would refer to me as ‘an angel’.  My good behavior may have been based on the fact that I was a nobody in the eyes of others and I accepted every blame that came my way for the sake of peace.  When things went wrong, it would end just up being me who did the wrong thing.  I struggled to build confidence in myself for years.  I failed to believe I was worthy of anything.  This made me develop a strong feeling of low self-esteem, self-pity and self-rejection.  This also affected my school life and social life, spending time alone and crying or spending time just with my Granny rather than with those of my age, like any other child.  The church we were attending did not have a strong children’s ministry to build people like us up.  In fact, the church had people who did everything wrong but attend Sunday service.  That would always confuse me… why?

My mother, who worked in town, was able to provide some finances for my fees but she eventually got married somewhere else.  The marriage did not survive for long before she started going through marital problems that were too bad to even imagine today that those things were happening!  As I was completing my grade seven, something terrible was awaiting me.  It was the death of my mother.  I was young and I could not understand what death was but simply that it was something scary.  Multitudes of people gathered at Granny’s house, mourning after getting the message that mother had departed.  I remember this very well, as I was coming from school that day, walking into the village and many people rushed to fall all over me, crying and saying: “Maxwell, your mother has died.  Who shall care for you?  Who shall pay your fees?  Who shall buy you clothes?  You will never see her again!  Why has God done this?”  They would lament.  It became deeply engraved in my heart for a very longtime.

So was such my empty life.  What was next for me?  Growing into teenagerhood and soon going to high school, it was now a family debate of who will take Maxwell into their house.  Thank God for my uncle, who volunteered to take me to town after others in the family had indicated that they were not able.  It happened in front of me and in my eyes, when everyone would say “I can’t take him in, I have many already,” tears of rejection would flow down my cheeks.  I remember I was seated close to Granny in this explosive meeting, which was to decide what next for me.  This was somewhat comforting.  I had never been on a bus, and I had never been to town either.  While I was happy to go, I was also anxious and nervous, unsure of what awaited me ahead.  This decision meant a totally different lifestyle.

I remember when I got to town on the first days, I was so overwhelmed by the change of environment and what was happening.  I questioned lots of things, which was quite embarrassing.  I was surprised to know that you go to the toilet inside a house, when we were used to bush one or latrine.  I was surprised that you don’t go to fetch water, but you just get it from a tap.  I worried about a snake which appeared on TV and I almost broke it thinking the snake was really in the house!  I had always been taught to kill a snake when you see one.  Electricity posed another interesting question, where was light coming from… even to light the streets.  I was used to candles and lamps.  An empty life.  Let me highlight the shoe story that gets me so emotional:

I remember an incident when I had never put on a shoe and, one day, my uncle purchased some shoes for me at a local shoe shop.  So, he asked me to go and fit the shoes.  I was very excited since I had never put on a shoe in my life.  When I got to the shop, I was given the shoes and when I tried fitting them the shop keeper said they were too big for me.  But I did not know the difference.  I refused, with the shoes on my feet, and I said they are okay, also fearing that the deal might be reversed and then where would I get the shoes.  He let me have the too-big shoes.  When I got home, I was asked to put them on.  They were surprised as to why I had taken such a big size.  But again, I argued that they were okay with me.  My uncle was going to come home and see them later in the evening, so I decided to put papers inside the shoes to make them appear right for me.  Yet that was even making the shoes to look upwards.  Something obviously wasn’t right.  My uncle asked if I was comfortable with the shoes, of which I accepted as okay.  He did not push me or force me to change.  The battle was when I got to school in those big shoes.  All school students, my fellow classmates, gathered around me laughing their hearts out.  It was so bad that everyone actually felt sorry for me.  I realized this was giving too much embarrassment and headache.  So, each time I got into class, I would sit with my feet under the desk the whole time, even at break time, because I was afraid people would laugh at me.  This further isolated me from a normal social life.  I was now yearning for something that could rebuild my broken life, but I did not know what it could be.  Where can I find peace, hope and joy?  My life had carried too much weight.

One day I met a friend, Daniel, and he was so different from many because he was very humble and had accepted to chat and play with me.  Daniel lived opposite our house, just across the road.  I could feel he had accepted me as a friend.  Daniel was a Christian and that could have been the reason why he was so different from others in the streets.  One day, I was telling him that my life is full of embarrassment because I don’t even know my father.  Each time people talk about their parents, I chose to walk away.  He responded and said:  “You have a Father in heaven who loves you better than any other father.”  These words rang a very huge sound in my heart… to think that I have a father.  He quickly opened his Bible and we read together John 3:16.  God loved.  I felt a shaking within me and knew something new had started in my life.  He went on to tell me about receiving Him into my life by acknowledging that I was a sinner and needed Him to forgive me.  I made that prayer slowly with tears.  Something was happening in my life that I could not explain in words.  I was now born again… and those were the exact words he used.  I was so excited and began to love the Bible, wanting to read more scriptures and pray more.

My friend was very patient with me because the first day he invited me to a church service, I promised him that we were going to go together.  But later I changed my mind and told people at home to lie and say that I was not around.  I saw him walk into the yard and ask for me.  My family was quickly able to answer him and say that I was away.  He left with no problem, but when I watched him go through the window my heart sank… why have I done this?  It was like God Himself was saying:  “But why are you doing this to someone who loves and cares?”  After that conviction, I got myself to bathe and prepare to follow him to church.  I now had to overcome the shyness of arriving at church on my own.  I braved it and entered into the sanctuary.  When I got inside, an usher had to find somewhere for me to sit and what amazed me most was the preaching that was taking place.  The man in the pulpit was so passionate about people coming to the Lord.  He even read from John 3:16 and explained how much God loved His people and said:  “I am speaking to you”.  I felt it was me again.  He invited people to give their lives to the Lord and I did it again.  I was the first to stand up at the altar.  I felt the deep warmth and deep love that God has for us.

From then on, I grew in reading the Bible and praying.  I was able to dig deep into what love was all about.  God had loved us when we were sinners.  God’s love was manifesting in many ways.  Suddenly, I also felt the answer as to why my grandmother had cared so much for me.  God was saying it was His love that was being demonstrated through her.  God had since loved me before the foundations of the world!  The word of God helped me to discover the love of God, something that has kept me going through many years of challenges.  The knowledge of God’s love has helped heal wounds of the past and regrets.  I had never imagined standing in front of people.  I always felt inadequate before man.  But with time and through instruction in the ways of the Lord, I actually realized I had a calling to preach the Gospel.

After completing my O-level, the truth was I could not pick the exact career path I was going to take.  I struggled to choose where I could fit in.  However, while that was happening, the love of God grew so much that I had no other option but to share it with others.  In a vision, the Lord said:  “I will use what you went through in your life to touch many others who are going through the same or who shall go through the same”.  That moment when God spoke was so deep and caused my tears to flow.  I had just been shown by God that I was also important, even after everyone I knew had written me off.  I started preaching in schools through Scripture Union.  Scripture Union afforded me the opportunity to go to schools and offload the message of the love of God to children and young people.  I did not know where this was headed, but I remember after a full year of that commitment in schools, the office received a phone call from London asking about me.  That was the day of my shock.  A person like me, being invited to London… was this not a mistake?  I realized one newsletter had even carried a story about my work with students in schools and that many lives were being touched and changed.  An organization in London actually wanted me to join them.  I had to fill in forms as usual, and in six months’ time, I was at the airport to board a plane for the first time in my life.  I cried and cried at the airport.  I also realized no one from my family had come to bid me farewell.  I was only accompanied by two friends: Simba Takawira from Scripture Union and Elder Washington Kuwana from church.

This was the start of my ministry and calling to children, young people and families.  I have already so far served for over twenty years, unbroken service, alongside my wife Winterpet.  More details are in my upcoming book… stay tuned!